Father’s Rights & Why Women Are Wrong

Hello Truth Readers!

**DISCLAIMER** In this post, I have taken a non-custodial father’s standpoint with custodial mother’s being the greed mongers. Where there has been a significant amount of forward motion on the behalf of father’s rights, this article could just as easily be told from a non-custodial mother. Think about that**

Boy do I have a good one for you today! Jacob writes to me from Alaska to tell me about his particular situation! Part of his letter goes like this:

“Dear Truth:

I was married to my wife for 20+ years. We raised two children together who are now both adults. The problem is that over the years she has continually embedded lies about me into my children’s heads and they believe things that aren’t true. She continues to manipulate my mother and other siblings into taking “her side” and has even gone as far to take deeply sentimental things that belong to me from my mother’s home without my consent or knowledge. What the hell am I supposed to do? Because of her lies, my kids won’t speak to me, won’t visit with me, won’t let me tell my side of the story. I want to have a relationship with them because I love them so deeply, but they won’t even so much as take my calls or answer emails. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just let them go, they are still my children even though they are both adults. So give me the butt ugly truth about it all, please.”

Unfortunately, Jacob, courts are all about mother’s rights. I can say that because I am a mother. Basically what I want to have happen legally, I can get done pronto. That, however, doesn’t mean that I take advantage of the system. Marriage, the turn of it, and the divorce are all things that should stay out of the children’s arenas and out of common conversation period. Even when they are adults.

How many times have we all encountered a bitter x-spouse who does nothing but bash their previous partner? Now, in general, that’s why the marriage breaks up. The two adults can’t get along nor do they want to try anymore. Here is Wikipedia’s definition for divorce: “Divorce (or the dissolution of marriage) is the final termination of a marital union, cancelling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties.”

That’s it…..it’s that simple. Now we all know that the emotional detriment of divorce affects the ENTIRE family. From the two married people, to children, to in-laws, close friends and business associates. Everyone is overwhelmed with joy at the wedding and they are all equally disappointed when a divorce happens.

The people who are affected most by a failed marriage are obviously the children. Now in Jacob’s situation, both his children are adults. But their mother has had an incredible amount of influence over their relationship with their father. This is where many divorced parents go wrong. No matter what happens during the turning of a marriage as it fails, it does not define either spouse as a PARENT. Unless there has been some kind of abuse to the children, or overwhelming evidence that the fear of the children’s well being will be compromised by a parent, each parent should understand that the divorce is NO LONGER about the parents’ relationship. It’s about maintaining some kind of normalcy and support for the kids! Divorce takes an intimate relationship and turns it into a business one. 

Too often we see divorced mothers in court just viciously raking their x-husbands over the coals. Not once, but over and over! If the marriage is dissolved, it’s over. So why bother with the wicked revenge tactics? Girls – it is no longer about you and your feelings! GET OVER IT! You are not allowed, BY LAW, to hold your children hostage because your ex is in love with someone else. Nor does the payment of child support determine whether you will or will not allow your children to have a relationship with their father. It isn’t fair to decide for your kids. You have to let them decide for themselves what their relationship with the other parent will be. It really sends a bee right up my …uh…BONNET…that parents use their kids as weapons to hurt their ex! Your marriage failed, but your kids’ love for their father has not failed. And you, as their mother, should know how much they need a dad. If your ex is reaching out to his children, who the hell are you to become the biggest obstacle? What right do you have to continue hurting someone that you no longer have a relationship with?

These are the women that go completely wrong and are self-centered. Their only agenda is to get as much money and power as they can because they feel THEY are entitled to it. Their perspective actually has no bearing on what’s best for the children. Selfish revenge is all that matters. Examples I have come across over the years with friends include returning birthday presents because they were a day late, changing addresses or phone numbers without notifying the other parent, demanding payment for frivolous things that fall above and beyond normal child support, cancelling a once a year Christmas visit because they don’t feel like driving, spending money out of credit lines that were supposed to have been closed but weren’t, damaging the other parent’s property for the sake of being mean, conspiring with third parties to ruin the reputation of the other parent – which sounds an awful lot like what is happening to you, Jacob!

Women who think they are ENTITLED to pull these power trips should really get to some therapy…AND FAST! I start to see why marriages fail when grown people resort to high school tactics to continue to hold the ex under their thumb.

Jacob, dear, my advice to you is to completely dissolve any and all ties to your ex. What she doesn’t know about you can’t give her any fuel to her fire. What you don’t know about her can’t upset you. Therefore, the control is where it belongs…..with you. Your relationship with your children is now between you and each of them. Since your children are now adults, continue to love them directly, exclude her from any communication. Don’t mention her at all during your conversations unless they ask you specific questions. That’s a good thing to happen because this gives you a window for some resolution. Explain to them that you are no longer discussing their mom unless it directly contributes in the healing of your relationship with them. Encourage them to ask for more detail about what isn’t clear. When they start with “Mom said…”, stop and ask yourself a question before you decide on an answer. Stop just for a moment and ask yourself “Will explaining this possibly bridge our distance?” Long story short, if you ignore a nuisance, eventually they get bored and go annoy someone else. Your ex-wife will only continue manipulation tactics as long anyone lets her. You can combat that by continuing to send your children cards, letters, voicemail, gifts and all your love until you love them through this. It may not seem like it now, but you will get through this to the other side and I truely believe that healing will come down the road a ways on your journey of life!

Here is a little something that I found on http://www.fatherville.com May it encourage you to keep giving:

If My Words Could Only Speak

My angels Yarleene and Deanne

If my words can only speak.
It would tell you that I am sorry.
I am sorry for your sorrow.
I am sorry for your pain.
I wish I could take away all that confusion.
I wish I could heal those feelings.

If my words can only speak.
It would tell you lets start again.
Give me a chance to be in your lives.
Give me a chance to make things right.
Please trust in me again.

If my words can only speak.
It would tell you that I am your father.
I always will be there for you.
Even if sometimes you don’t feel it.

If my words can only speak.
It would say……..I love you.

– Jose R. Monzon – Copyright 2006


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