The Value of Friendship


Dear The Butt Ugly Truth Readers:

Some say you can choose your friends, but you’re stuck with family. But what happens when you’re stuck with a friend you no longer want to be connected to? What happens when you see that person’s true colors and they are black and blue? You can divorce your spouse, you can break-up with a significant other, but what do you do with that one person who has taken everything you’ve given them and throws it into the blades of a hurricane fan? The friendship is shredded and blown about in every direction. What then? The butt ugly truth is here to present you with a few options!

Here is the general feel of Jenn’s letter:

I have a person in my life that was my best friend. She and her family live in my neighborhood and we do several things together as two families. About a year ago, things started to get a little shady. I found out that she had been having an affair for almost two years and it wasn’t something I wanted to be a part of. She comes with a lot of drama and  I’m friends with her husband as is my boyfriend. We decided that we would only spend time with her when it was all of us in order to avoid being in the middle of what’s going on in her personal life.

My family always goes to New York every year and this year she asked if her and her son could come along. I sat down with her before we left and explained to her that our financial situation limits our spending. This obviously made no difference to her and we ended up going well over our budget because of things she promised the kids. She also claimed to know her way around the city which wasn’t true since we got lost and separated several times. Once we found our way again, we were all hungry and the kids were frustrated. There were plenty of restaurants around but she chose a restaurant that only serves burgers knowing that we don’t eat red meat. So, we agreed to meet up later so that we could find a place that we could enjoy. My boyfriend took our son to the restroom and we decided to again…split up and meet back up in a bit. Throughout the day it was one thing after another, split up, lost, reconnected, split up again and we were all pretty frustrated at this point. She is a controlling person with little regard for anyone but herself. I guess she was frustrated too because once I caught up with her again she was across the street yelling at my boyfriend in front of my son about what a bitch I was. She was going on and on! She stormed over to me and continued yelling at me for being so demanding in front of my two teenagers. She told me she and her son were getting a cab and going to the airport to fly home. I have never been attacked that way in front of my kids! IN FRONT OF MY KIDS! She stormed off and I haven’t seen her since. Once we got back home that night, I decided to upload some pictures to Facebook. She had the audacity to post that I left her and her son stranded in NYC. That I had lost her on purpose, which is completely untrue…” The letter goes on but that’s the overall situation.

So basically….the butt ugly truth of it all is this person, whom we will refer to as, Vixen, obviously doesn’t value friendship. She intruded on an annual family outing, she ended up costing you more than you wanted to pay, she inconsiderately took over the event planning, and bad mouthed you in front of your kids. Not a good friend. It’s almost like the two of you are dangling from a helicopter by two separate tethers fighting relentlessly in the air. Her tether breaks and you have her in a bear hug. She thinks, “Oh shit!” Now, Jenn I want you to hug her tight, tell her you won’t stand for bad behavior, and let her go. Let her fall into the abyss of her own web and know that you aren’t responsible for what other people do. You are responsible for yourself and your family and the leechers, stealers, cheaters, and drama queens need to be let go. It’s also said that you become like the 5 people you hang out with the most. Hug her…and let her go. You don’t want to be like that! Sadly in this unpredictable world, we encounter people who masquerade as “friends” and we end up believing in them. The Butt Ugly Truth about it, Jenn, is that Vixen is obviously on a plane of life that allows her to be empowered with deceit and is no longer worthy of your investment. Hug her and just….let….go.

Dear Vixen: You were CHOSEN to be a friend. CHOSEN. Selected. Hand Picked. Designated. Embraced. Named. Preferred. How could you not take that honor of selection and treat it with the sincerity and honesty that you were chosen with? Why on earth would you stay in relationships that you ultimately destroy? Fear of committment, perhaps. This letter clearly explains that you need to do some soul-searching and take inventory of whatever is your motivation for creating chaos. No one wants to keep company with dishonesty and apparently, no one wants to keep company with you. Though you didn’t ask for it….the butt ugly truth is that you need to get out of your “special” world that revolves around you and get real. You don’t demean or belittle friends in public places and you especially don’t do it in front of children. If you have something to say…..say it in private one on one with the ultimate goal of growing through a disagreement to better your friendship. If it were me dangling from that helicopter, I wouldn’t have waited for your tether to break. I would have cut it long before we fell out of the helicopter. Get real, get honest and get going out the door, Vixen! Life is too short and love is too rare to invest it in such an empty shell. May the dark swirling chaos of your life find some source of goodness and light and may you turn around to know the value of friendship. The value and power of friendship is one of the most intimate and moving relationships one can have. Check this wikipedia excerpt out. You can find it at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship :

“Decline of friendships in the U.S.

According to a study documented in the June 2006 issue of the journal American Sociological Review, Americans are thought to be suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships since at least 1985.[2][3] The study states 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants per citizen has dropped from four to two.

According to the study:

  • Americans’ dependence on family as a safety net went up from 57% to 80%
  • Americans’ dependence on a partner or spouse went up from 5% to 9%
  • Research has found a link between fewer friendships (especially in quality) and psychological and physiological regression

In recent times, it is postulated modern American friendships have lost the force and importance they had in antiquity. C. S. Lewis for example, in his The Four Loves, writes:

To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it. We admit of course that besides a wife and family a man needs a few ‘friends’. But the very tone of the admission, and the sort of acquaintanceships which those who make it would describe as ‘friendships’, show clearly that what they are talking about has very little to do with that Philía which Aristotle classified among the virtues or that Amicitia on which Cicero wrote a book”

I’ll close with a quote I read somewhere “Don’t over value people who under value you.” Take pride in who you are, Jenn and know that you are a loving person who ended up investing in the wrong person. We all do it from time to time so forgive yourself that and then…just let her go. You are worth more than the vortex she has dragged you into. Spend time with people who celebrate you, not tolerate you. Love you Jenn & that my friend is the butt ugly truth!

Love,

Crystal

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8 thoughts on “The Value of Friendship

  1. yes….I hear of these situations all the time and have experienced it myself. Excellent advice. I had a high school girlfriend who was posing as a wonderful housewife and mother and was actually a closet crackwhore. It took me a while to figure things out since I was not familiar with crack or crack users. May I never be friend you want to helicopter into oblivion !

  2. Great advice Crystal,
    I think many of us have had friends in our lifes that really werent friends. I hope that some of the people who read your blog are also those people who arent the true friend, maybe Jenns Story and your advice will cause them to make a change in a current friendship before they too get hugged and let go. Life is precious it can be taken away without notice and it should be treasured and shared with people who are deserving . To you Jenn, its the year of the Jennys, you told me that I am going to believe it and live it for 2011 and I know you will too.

    Jen

  3. LOL @ Shelly – no my dear, it takes me a very very long time to get to helicopter status with my friends. I will love you through oblivion and beyond if you are willing to journey with me. Friendship is forever and more people – women especially – need to get back to basics. There’s too much drama out there. Almost like the more drama the better. Drama makes me sick. I love being simple and honest and real. People always know what to expect from me and I know where my boundaries are.

    @Jen – it is the year of the Jennys! May you all continue the strength you need to keep rolling forward! Life is so precious! I would much rather step out in the world of “could be” and experience unpleasant things then to sit by my window watching life go by. Friendship is a timeless, wonderful thing!

  4. I personally made the decision a few years back to not include people in my life with behavior issues that are unacceptable. I refuse to be the ONLY one vested in any relationship. Unfortunately some of my own family members did not make the cut. I agree life is way to short to spend time with dramatic people. If you are not honest and do not show a willingness to participate in a normal relationship with me then you are out. Sorry but, that’s how I roll and THAT is The Butt Ugly Truth. lol

  5. My dearest,
    The letter you posted was so true. I too am in the middle of the situation. I am very close friends with Vixens BETTER but weaker half. I am also choosing to hug and let go. I have carried the pain of knowing what Vixen has done, been doing and will continue to do. My heart has told me to run to my friend and reach out and hug him and tell him what Vixen has been doing behind his back. My mind tells me, just as you sited about friends to just let it go and let him find out on his own. The problem comes that, I am to nice, to fearful of what others think of me. That is until this year. I have decided to contact my friend, let him know whats going on, like it or not. This way I have hugged, and let him go. I am not sure what his reacition will be. I think i do know that he will go back to Vixen and I will be less one person who I had CHOSEN to be my friend.

  6. Tre if you approach him with the spirit of trying to help him see the light, he just may. Or, he may choose to let go of the hug and that’s ok too. As long as you know that you are doing the right thing, that’s all you can control. I’ve had many helicopter rides over the years and like Beth said…I’ve chosen to not include chaotic, dramatic people in my life. It’s amazing how full of joy I am now and how much better my friendships are. It’s also pretty amazing how much more time I have on my hands since I don’t have to listen to daily bitch sessions! LOL

    Good luck and keep us posted. I hope that all the hearts heal even if that means hug and let go.

    Crystal

    PS….Beth YOU GO GIRL! Love it love it!

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  8. Ohhhhh C Dizzle. For you are never alone, I don’t walk in front of you, nor behind you I would say beside you, I would like to reference the before said walking. I don’t walk, I have bad knees. However I have a big black suburban and will pick you and your friends up and get you to and from your destination. With that I send love and gas money for your helicopter be safe in flight and remeber to pack a wheel barrel. Its easier to load push and dump shit. Jussayin.

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